We's T.I.Y.A.D.

Feeling drained and exhausted? In this heartfelt episode, join me as I explore the heavy burdens women carry and how we can reclaim our lives. Let’s redefine what it means to truly live and thrive through purposeful actionable steps. 

TL;DR

This episode emphasizes the weight women carry and how we can lighten the load. 

Time Stamps

00:00 Introduction and Welcome

02:23 The Weight of the World: Understanding T.I.Y.A.D.

06:37 Taking Control: Prioritizing Yourself

11:35 Building and Maintaining Safe Spaces

17:42 Self-Care and Mental Clarity

20:20 Hope and Moving Forward

21:51 Conclusion 

CONNECT WITH ME

Join my fan page at FanList.com/CoffeeCocktailsClarity and share your thoughts on this episode, ask questions, or share your story. 

Shai Boston on IG: https://www.instagram.com/shaiboston/

Shai Boston on Threads: https://www.threads.net/@shaiboston

Shai Boston on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/ShaiBostonLLC

RESOURCES

Note: I do not have any affiliations with, sponsorships or endorsements from any of the resources mentioned. They are listed for your reference.

Mental Health Resources

·         Suicide and Crisis Lifeline

Ph: 988

Website: https://988lifeline.org/

·         Psychology Today

Website: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us

·         National Institute of Mental Health

Website: https://www.nimh.nih.gov/

Sexual Violence Resources

·         RAIIN

Ph: 800.656.HOPE (4673)

Website: https://rainn.org/

Substance Abuse Resources

·         U.S. Department of Health and Human Services

Website: https://findtreatment.gov/

·         Alcoholics Anonymous

Website: https://www.aa.org/

·         Al-Anon Family Groups

Website: https://al-anon.org/

Credits

YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@sapphicasha

Podcast Editor: Payton Cross Productions 

Transcript

0:00

May: Hi, I'm May Boatwright. I'm August's sister too. Lily: That wall behind the house? May: I think I'll go after the wall for a while. Lily: Why does it have little pieces of paper in it? August: That's May's wall. Those bits of paper are all the heavy feelings May carries around.

Shai Boston: 0:22

One of the things I loved about the movie,"The Secret Life of Bees" was the character of May Boatwright portrayed by Sophie Okonedo. She was a loving, gentle, and caring soul who wouldn't even hurt a roach. At one point, May said,"I'm tired of carrying around the weight of the world." Like you and I, May was tired. Hi Ladies, I'm Shai and I'm so excited to welcome you to Coffee, Cocktails, and Clarity. As a woman navigating my own journey, I've experienced the ups and downs, the triumphs and challenges that come with being a woman in today's world. I created this podcast as a space for us to have authentic conversations and connections. To share stories and inspire each other. Let's break down barriers, celebrate our successes, and support one another on this journey together. So, take a sip, sit back and let's have a chat. There's many situations in our lives, in this world, that have worn us down as women, even more so if you're a woman of color. At this point, we need to regroup, refocus, and get rejuvenated. To help me with that, I'm sipping on some refreshing mint tea. Uh, I love mint tea and when I need to refresh and rejuvenate myself from the inside out, this is what I drink. And that's the space that I'm in right now. I need to refresh and rejuvenate... refocus even. So grab you a drink that feels that way, and let's get into it. Going to take my sip. Let's keep it real, women have been tired for centuries. As times have changed, the loads we have carried have changed or shifted and most definitely have gotten heavier. Past generations of women have literally carried the future generation of women within their bodies. Those of us born to those women now carry the weight of our present life, along with the traumas and struggles of the women that came before us. I'll do an episode on generational trauma in the future. It's not all that we think and so much more than we thought. But to sum it up simply for this episode, generational trauma has been proven to leave a marker on our DNA. It doesn't change our physical DNA, but it attaches a marker that gets passed down from generation to generation. So, literally, we are carrying the weight of all the women who came before us. No wonder we're T.I.Y.A.D. Many of us, far too many of us, have reached a level of tiredness that we don't even know possible. We're at the T.I.Y.A.D level of tired. Now for me, that stands for Taxed, Ignored, Yearning for Compassion, Desiring Rest. We're going to see what we can do to work through being tired and move ourselves into a better space of refreshment and rejuvenation. When we feel completely drained physically, emotionally, and mentally we are"T"axed. Overwhelmed, overburdened, and overly stressed. I can't possibly enumerate all the ways women feel this way with the various roles we take on or have imposed on us. We're sisters, friends, caretakers, mothers, significant others, employees, entrepreneurs, students, teachers, leaders, followers, et cetera. All of the attacks on women, in its various forms, adds to our feelings of being taxed. Frankly, just our mere existence and fight for survival on a daily basis is enough for us to feel taxed without adding anything else to that. We are"I"gnored. Our voices are not listened to. Our wants and needs often go unmet, if they're even asked about. From the boardroom to the classroom, our voices, hands, and presence are not acknowledged at least not as much as they should be. Many of us are fighting to be seen, heard, just recognized, even in our own homes. We"Y"earn for compassion, not pity. That's completely different and it also has its place in how humans treat each other. Women are not to be pitied; we want some compassion, meaning we want acknowledgement of the situations that distress us in this world and cause us to have a lack of safety. We want those we love, and those even that we don't know, just to have some humanity to care about us enough to alleviate all of these things that cause us distress. We are"A"ggravated by not having value placed on our lives, our voices, our feelings and our contributions. Frankly, we"D"esire and need to have rest. We need rest from fighting to prove our value, for our existence, to be treated fairly and equitably. We want to rest from fighting to be left alone. I know you all know this and perhaps there are some listening that don't know or get it. So, when I say that we are T.I.Y.A.D.? What I touched on was just the tip of the iceberg. So where do we go from here? Our fight isn't over, nor will it be anytime soon. It's time for a shift in our thinking and handling of situations and our lives. To take better charge of what we can control. Therefore, we do what we do best, take matters into our own hands and save ourselves. Prioritize yourself and what's most important to you. In my very first episode, Fighting to Survive", I mentioned that we may not always know our"Whys" and that's okay. Even without knowing them, we can still prioritize the things that matter most to us based upon our values, our morals, and our ethics. If you are a spiritual or religious person and that is your foundation, then lean into it and don't let anything come between you and your journey. If it is family that's a priority no matter how you define"family" you and your significant other, with or without children, close friends who are family that you chose for yourself, being a caregiver to someone you love, being single and living an active life however you define it, then do what you can to create space where everything is focused on your family and it's done in the way you want, so you can be with them, and you can support them the most. Buy out the time needed to love and nurture your family. If pursuing your career, business or education is your priority, then let nothing interfere with your ability to achieve any of the goals associated with those. Base all your decisions around your priorities, what you need right now to achieve them or to keep them in the forefront, and what will build towards the future you envision for yourself. If you know where you want to go, you'll be able to better understand where to start. You don't need to be callous, cruel, or even rude about your priorities. It means you set boundaries for yourself to protect that space. Re-evaluate your community, and rebuild if necessary. Whether family, friends, or whatever, we have people in our lives that may no longer deserve to be there. Our community should be tight-knit, supportive, loving, and compassionate. Some of us may have found that those that were in our spaces have voluntarily left or we have had to leave them. If you're hurt, feel the pain, grieve the loss, and prepare yourself to move forward without them. Think about what they brought to your life, what they may have taken from it, and how you are, most likely, better off without them. When you're ready, take some time to continue evaluating who's in your community, your spaces... and should they be there? From a personal perspective, it might be time to shed some of the weight and burdens that are weighing you down in the form of people. That might mean walking away from toxic relationships, whether family, friends, or significant others. It will require being honest with yourself are these relationships serving their purpose? Are they adding positively to your life or subtracting from it, leaving you empty and devoid of your dignity, perhaps even undervaluing what you have brought to their life. Professionally, take a look at where you are in your career or your business. What can you change about your circumstances? Now, in a tight job market, it might be that you can't change much without significant risk. Therefore, focus on what you can change. You can learn new skills and enhance ones you've already had. Reassess your contributions to your team, your department, or your company. If it's causing you to sacrifice your mental, physical, and emotional health, this is the time to work towards achieving more balance in your life by setting boundaries, as best you can, in your circumstances. Really give thought to the sacrifices you're making for the job. Are the sacrifices you're making for the job, in every way including your priorities worth the job? Create or strengthen your safe spaces. Sometimes that means we might have to rein things in just a little bit. That also means looking at who we allow into our safe spaces or stepping out and creating safe spaces. If you already have safe spaces, after you've taken stock of who's in those spaces, seek to shore up those spaces. In Episode 4 titled"Don't Let the Air Out", I talked about how some of the strongest structures in the world still need to be reinforced and maintained. It's the same with our safe spaces and those we have in them. Now's the time to reassure them of your loving support, that you are still standing by their side, that you are not abandoning them, which is how many women are feeling when they reach the T.I.Y.A.D. point. We feel completely isolated and abandoned. We don't want those in our safe spaces to feel that way. Perhaps you're looking for safe spaces. That's where you look around to see who is still standing by your side in the fight with you. Those who have not abandoned you, lifted you up, gave you a shoulder to cry on, and provided comforting arms that wrapped you in love? Turn to them. Those are your safe spaces. You found this podcast and this is another safe space. And I promise to keep doing what I can to strengthen this space because there's healing in community in safe spaces. Talk about your feelings with those in your safe spaces. We often keep so much inside and we swallow down our feelings. It's time to talk and let it go. When we talk with others who understand or can at least empathize with the reasons why we're tired, the release feels even better. Our feelings are validated not that they need validation because what you feel is what you feel. We know our hearts will be handled gently. The wounds from being bruised and battered will be treated with loving and compassionate ointments that will help move towards healing. That doesn't mean the problems go away or will be solved. Sometimes they can be and sometimes they can't be. By talking things out, though, you can start to get out of your own head and out of those unproductive thoughts and start moving towards those that can help you take the next step forward. Recently, I dealt with my husband having COVID. Then a few weeks later, he had an unrelated and serious health emergency that required hospitalization and a procedure. A couple of weeks after that, my dog got seriously ill and almost required hospitalization. Then a couple of weeks after that, as mom and I went on our first girls' trip in years, she had a very serious health emergency and required hospitalization and emergency surgery. One day, my girlfriend texted me and said,"Hey friend... how are you?" And I told her the truth. She responded back, I can't do much, but I can come over and just be with you." And that was all that I needed. She didn't just hear my cry for help, she listened when I called out through tears. She and our other good sistafriend came over with food, dranks, and all the loving support they had to give. They cheered up my mom and filled my soul. At that point, I was seriously about to go over the edge. As Jennifer Hudson sang, they pulled me through. And I literally could go on another day. That's part of my community and safe space. That's why I could talk about my feelings, be heard and listened to, and get what I needed to replenish all that I had given out over the previous month or so. If you can't talk about your feelings or don't want to at the time, then I strongly encourage you to journal or express your feelings in the way that's most comfortable for you. It might be through art, poetry, music, dance, crafting, exercise, whatever. Whatever is a healthy way that allows you to get to your feelings and get them out or to work through them, do so. My point is whatever it is, it will help give some mental clarity and maybe a new perspective on things. With mental clarity and new perspectives come ideas. If you have so much going on in your head, dump all the ideas and thoughts out of your head. Then organize them to figure out what you want to focus on and what you want to let go. What you want to explore or what you want to save for another time may become uncovered. Once it's out of your head, you will feel a difference in your capacity to think more clearly, to process emotions, thoughts, and communications. You'll be on the way to seeing a better path forward than you were before. If you do a brain dump and get those thoughts on paper, then you now have something to work with you can connect the dots to what should be grouped together. Then you're in a better position to develop a plan of action. Practice self care. When you're T.I.Y.A.D., when we're tired, we tend to forget to take care of ourselves because we're taking care of everyone else or we are just existing, fighting to live. Taking time for self-care rejuvenates and restores us, helps us to refocus and regroup. Honestly, I know it helps me regain my sanity. Self-care could be taking just a few minutes each day for your skincare routine. Sometimes the things we do regularly can get neglected, like a skincare routine, and that leads to other issues that we don't want to deal with. Keeping up our usual routines is important. It adds a sense of accomplishment and reminds us that we are in control of some aspect of our life or what happens to us. So go ahead and get that run in. Ride your Peloton. Go for that walk. Hit the yoga mat for some Pilates. Finish writing the next chapter of your novel, or start writing it. Read the next chapter of your book or listen to it on Audible while you're doing something else to take care of yourself. Go get a mani pedi. Treat yourself to a nice dinner or a delectable dessert. Soak in the tub and listen to your music or your favorite podcast(ahem). Get with your friends for a relaxing time of togetherness. Whatever self care looks like for you that, is healthy and beneficial to you physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually, then do it. Now that we're in this space of wanting to rest from carrying the weight of the world by carrying the load that's ours alone, we can continue to refocus ourselves in alignment with our priorities. This all leads to the future we have planned for ourselves. Don't think of your future in apocalyptic and catastrophic terms. Because it's not. No matter how bleak things may seem today, your worst day is only 24 hours. The ramifications may last a little longer, but you already have and will continue to develop the skills and tools to deal with that. Keep looking forward to your future, keep planning, keep dreaming, and working towards making those dreams come true. All of this leads to the final thing that I want to share. Keep your hope. No matter what this world throws at us and how it tries to keep us T.I.Y.A.D., we always have hope. Hope that things will be different tomorrow, like...literally. We have hope that everything we have made a priority will benefit from our focus on it whether it's family, community, careers, our business, ourselves, our mental, physical, emotional, or spiritual health. Whatever it is that we keep a priority, will only keep us moving forward. And we can only throw off the weights that hold us down and keep us T.I.Y.A.D. If we maintain the one thing we can hold in our minds and hearts... hope. We have so many reasons to translate this negative energy, and sometimes circumstances, around us into action... for ourselves. As May said in The Secret Life of Bees, It's your time to live." Let's live by changing T.I.Y.A.D. Into a different acronym for ourselves: Thriving, Inspired, Yielding to No One, Determined To Live My Best Life. It's your time... go live!

21:52

Whether it's our first conversation or we've been talking for a while, thank you for taking the time to chat with me today. While you finish your beverage, take some time to meditate on today's conversation and journal your thoughts and feelings. If you liked today's conversation, and you haven't already done so, please subscribe to and review my podcast then download this episode. Don't forget to join my fan page on Fanlist.com/CoffeeCocktailsClarity, where you can share your thoughts on the episode, ask questions, or share your story. You never know, I may feature you in a future episode, with your consent of course. You can also follow me on social media. The links will be in the show notes. I hope our chat helped you to see things more clearly. I always enjoy talking with you. So let's take some time for us to get together again soon for some Coffee, Cocktails, and Clarity.