Embrace Your Power: Taking Up Space, Using Your Voice, and Gaining Visibility (Part 1)

SHOW DESCRIPTION

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Do you know your value? In this episode, I explore how we as women can better understand and assert our value, voice, and presence in various aspects of life. Drawing from personal experiences and expert insights, this episode delves into overcoming the societal challenges that have historically minimized women's voices, particularly those of women of color. We discuss communication styles, self-worth, and the importance of taking up space with confidence. Join me, as we sip on our favorite beverages and uncover strategies for truly owning our space. 

TL;DR

This episode emphasizes self-awareness in communication styles, understanding how we receive information, recognizing our intrinsic value, and learning to effectively take up space.

Time Stamps

00:00 Introduction: Knowing Your Value

00:32 Common Phrases That Diminish Women

01:06 The Struggles of Women in Male-Dominated Spaces

01:44 Welcome to Coffee, Cocktails, and Clarity

02:49 Vinh Giang's Advice on Vocal and Physical Presence

04:40 Intersectionality and Communication Challenges

06:12 Childhood Experiences and Lasting Impacts

09:26 Corporate World Challenges

17:34 Understanding Communication Styles

25:16 Self-Worth and Value

28:07 Presence and Taking Up Space

31:46 Conclusion 

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Credits

Vihn Giang: How to Command More Respect When You Speak

“Big Mouth” by Whodini

“You Talk Too Much” by Run D.M.C.

“I Am Love” by Jennifer Holliday

Podcast Editor: Payton Cross Productions 

Transcript

0:00

Coming up next on Coffee, Cocktails, and Clarity. Do you know your value? Your value is something only you can determine for yourself. We as women have a right to take up space and to use space. Truly understanding ourselves is the first step towards owning everything that is rightfully ours. Make sure you have a beverage and some time on your hands. We're going to take our time with this one... Why do you talk so loud? Talks excessively in class. You're very verbose. You always have something to say. You're so aggressive. Stick to working with your hands because you'll never be able to do anything better than that. What are some of the phrases you heard as a woman that was designed to shut down your voice, diminish your presence, and make you feel like you were taking up too much space? In this episode, we're diving into the struggles we face as women when it comes to our voice, our presence, and owning the spaces at work, in our relationships... really in our existence, along with what we can do to start moving from a sense or real place of being minimized and diminished to being seen and heard. The next episode, we'll focus on six things we can use to overcome some of these challenges that have been imposed upon us. Make sure you have a beverage and some time on your hands. We're going to take our time with this one... Hey Girl! Have you been looking for a safe space for women to have authentic conversations around everything that impacts our life, careers, and relationships? I'm Shai Boston, and on this show, I talk about all things connected to our personal and professional development so we can live our best and authentic lives. Grab a drink. Sit back, and let's have a chat. It's time for some Coffee, Cocktails, and Clarity. Over the last day or so, I've been mulling over some conversations that I've had on LinkedIn. As we sip on our beverages for me, today's choice is Cafe Bustelo Decaf with some Starbucks Caramel Macchiato non-dairy creamer. I know that's a mouthful. What are you going to be having? So as we sip on our beverages, I'd like for you to listen to or watch the following video by Vinh Giang, which was at the root of the conversations and the basis for these episodes. Hi Vinh, I work in a male dominated industry. For all the women here, I would like to ask what tips you can provide us to help elevate and amplify our message and help us get a voice within meetings. Vihn Giang: Thank you for the question. I just want to acknowledge as well that it is infinitely more difficult for women than it is for men. We have a thicker line, whereas women you walk a thinner line. It's more difficult, but it's possible and it's all to do with vocal and physical presence. I'm going to ask you a question and I'd like you to answer the question for me so I can get a sense. What's your goal in this chapter of life? Participant: My goal ultimately is to be fit enough to hike around Europe and just take off and live my best life. I'm going to be active, I'm going to hike through Europe, and I'm going to crush it. Vihn: Big round of applause, yes! Yes! What I'm training her to do is, Increase vocal presence dramatically. And then the second thing I'm getting her to do is, give me more authority with her body language. And then the third thing I'm getting her to do, which a lot of women are afraid to do, is take up the space. Don't be afraid to take up space. Women, sometimes you have a trap in your mind, and you think, if I do this, I'm being bitchy. There is nothing bitchy about it. That is empowering, that is you not dimming your light, so that the people around you feel more comfortable. I don't take issue with what Vinh said and how he coached this particular participant. In fact, I've shared the same information when coaching my own clients or teaching speakers about presenting. My immediate thought after seeing it, outside of the fact that it was good information, was that things are more complicated than that for women, more notedly for women of color and, more pointedly, for Black women. It prompted me to take some time to dive into this subject as one who trains and coaches others on communication, presentation, speaking, and leadership skills. The intersectionality of being black, a woman, and neurodivergent is the only perspective that I can approach this whole topic. Although that's the case, what we'll talk about during our discussions over the next two episodes can apply to all women in some way. By the way, if you're not familiar with the term"intersectionality," according to the Oxford Dictionary, it means"the interconnected nature of social categorizations such as race, class and gender regarded as creating overlapping and interdependent systems of discrimination or disadvantage." In other words, different forms of discrimination and disadvantages are linked together, and we need to understand these links to fully understand the experiences of marginalized people. When we talk about women our voices, our presence, our owning and taking up space it gets much more complex depending on backgrounds involving race, socioeconomic status, cultural nuances, and more. The combination of those perspectives were taken into account for our discussions that we're going to have. And with that said, I'm going to take a sip and let's get into it. As a little girl, when I was in school, it always struck fear and panic into my heart whenever I would get a report card or weekly progress report with the infamous words,"She talks excessively in class." I would get taunted by the kids on the playground with"You talk too much." There were two hip hop songs that were very popular back then. One was"Big Mouth" by Houdini You got a big mouth. A big mouth. You got a big mouth. A big mouth. A big mouth and"You Talk Too Much" by Run DMC. You talk too much. You never shut up. I said you talk too much. Homeboy, you never shut up. When the boys would DJ after school in our school's rec center, they always played those songs while looking at me. Even the girls got in on it and made my life, a nightmare at times for me. There was always pain associated with those songs and words. The reality of the situation is that I did talk a lot. If I talk too much, you see, I'm trying desperately to be understood. That's Ms. Jennifer Holliday singing,"I Am Love," and that opening line, If I talk too much, you see, I'm trying desperately to be understood." That always resonated with me because I always felt I wasn't heard and understood, even as a child. Since I wasn't a fighter and I was super sensitive(thank you, trauma), I felt things deeply and didn't know how to defend myself. Therefore I talked. Little did I know that it was also due to having ADHD and not being able to more succinctly express myself, which is a factor we'll talk more about later. Nonetheless, those words Talks excessively in class" and"You talk too much", they lived rent-free in my head for many years. Whether such things were spoken to us at school or something similar was said in our homes, almost every woman I know still has voices in her head from when she was a little girl that tells her the same things. Do you? Those words, and sometimes the venom behind them, sticks with us leaving an indelible mark that can foster or feed limiting beliefs. It wasn't until later in life, when I finally recognized I had a voice and I learned how to use it, did I realize that those words were often used to try and make me smaller, telling me that I was filling up space, that I didn't need to be heard, that my presence was more than they could handle. What about you? Did you experience something similar as a child? At school? Within your family? At work? Fast forward to my young adult years and I was trying to build a career in the corporate world. I worked in Silicon Valley at one of the largest computing companies at the time, and I worked in university recruitment. So we were always on the phones with schools and students. We were in marketing strategy meetings, meetings to discuss how to train hiring managers on recruiting, discussions about upcoming recruiting events and so much more. And in most of those meetings, I was silent because I was trying to learn the lay of the land. Also, because I was the only Black person on a team of about nine or 10 people, maybe 12. I wasn't the only person of color. We had two Asian women. One was Chinese American. The other was Filipina American. And we had one Hispanic male. They were all young and college degreed, while I had dropped out of college at that point. And, yes, admittedly, I had a bit of an inferiority complex. Yet I was willing to learn and work at assimilating into a world and culture that was completely new to me at this level, which was the high-tech industry. As time went on, I built these working relationships and I thought we were all on good terms. We ate lunch together, did teambuilding, talked about our various interests outside of work, and other things. At this point, I was still one of the youngest on the team at the ripe age of 23 and I was eager to learn so much and to fit in. So, I really didn't share my opinions unless I was asked. I tried to emulate the behaviors of the other young ladies on the team because they definitely seemed to know what they were talking about and what they were doing and that's why they got promotions. I have to be honest. I was a lot more naive than I thought I was. That lesson would come hard and in a very painful way. One day, I was in my cube working away. I was in my own world and just doing what I had to do. I noticed, though, that it had gotten a little bit silent around my area. There were probably 12 to 15 of us in that particular area. And it was comprised of a couple of offices with doors, but mostly cubes. So for it to get a little quiet was unusual, but I didn't really think much of it at the time. It wouldn't be until after what happens next would I notice that some of my colleagues were hanging out in the offices of other colleagues. The HR director appeared at my cube and asked me to step into his office just a few doors down. His request didn't phase me in the least, so I walked into his office. He invited me to sit at his table to have a quick little powwow. He did seem a tad bit nervous, yet was still very professional. I haven't forgotten him because he was a very kind man. His name was John and he easily stood well over six feet and he was well over 200 pounds. So he was a decent size and height and build. He was kind of a big guy to me since at that time I was a lot more petite. He had gray hair and a stern, but kind, face. As I'm sitting there all bright eyed and unaware, he begins to tell me why he called me in. He had gotten a report from some colleagues of mine about reverse discrimination. I froze, confused. I could feel myself starting to get flushed with embarrassment. What does that even mean anyway, reverse discrimination? He said that some of my colleagues reported that I was always talking about being Black. I was absolutely stunned. My gobs were smacked. Once I gathered myself, I asked who reported this and what exactly was said. Basically, two of my colleagues reported that I often talked about being black and it made them uncomfortable. There were some other fake accusations thrown in for good measure that aren't even worth mentioning at this point, but I will tell you they were appropriately addressed. It still shook me. As hurt as I was that my colleagues would say these things, as pissed as I was to be accused of racism when I was fighting to survive in an environment fueled by privilege, nepotism, and various aggressions, I kept my cool and used my voice probably for the first time ever in my life. And I did it by simply asking questions. What am I supposed to say when they talk about using skincare products that I can't use because we have different skincare needs? What am I supposed to say when they talk about using certain shampoos that I can't use because I have a different hair texture and haircare routine? What am I supposed to say when they talk about their family recipes and things they traditionally eat and do when my family eats something different or prepares it differently or has different traditions? Then I laid it out there. If what I said back to them in conversation is reverse racism, then what is it when I know that Shannon is Scottish and Marianne is Irish and loves Guinness? How would I know more about them and their family traditions and customs than they know about mine? They are all Martha Stewart types, and I'm not. They are all cut from the same cloth, and I am not. So what am I supposed to say, and how am I supposed to take it, when we come from different worlds and have these discussions? Am I not supposed to talk about mine? John's face turned red and I can tell that he got angry. Not at me, but at them. Maybe even a little at himself for falling into this ridiculous trap. I was sad, confused, and hurt. While I felt big in the moment speaking up for myself, my mere presence, my voice, and my space were suddenly diminished, minimized in everyone's eyes, including my own. There's no doubt in my mind that many of you have experienced similar scenarios and situations in some shape or form. It may have happened throughout your life as it has with mine, or it may have started once you started your career. It could even come from our relationships with so-called girlfriends or the people that we date. A woman that has a voice and presence that occupies spaces is so frequently misunderstood that it just simply exhausts us to even try to fight it at times. Still, we must. And here's where the work begins...with us. Before diving in further, let's take a little break for an ad. Ready to level up your life? Let's unlock your full potential together. As your expert coach and strategist, I'll guide you to achieve your goals. For a limited time, name your price on my coaching and accountability packages. Terms and conditions apply. Don't miss this incredible opportunity. Click the link to learn more and start your journey. Truly understanding ourselves is the first step towards owning everything that is rightfully ours. We'll focus on four areas for self understanding in this episode. They are how we communicate, how we receive information, our value and worth, and how we show up. But let me explain a little something about communication before we start. When I'm doing a training on effective communication, I often ask my participants, What is communication?" Or I will ask them how they would define it, most people would say it's the act of transferring information from one source, like a person, a place, or group to another source. In the barest sense, you need a sender with a message that is going to be sent to a listening recipient that equals communication. So what's the difference? It's the difference between being heard and being listened to. Literally being heard has to do with the auditory function of hearing sounds. Listening is when sounds or hand movements are distinguished, understood, and turned into meaningful language like words or signed language. Therefore, when communication takes place, you have someone sending a message that is not only heard, but listened to by the recipient. If the equation is that easy, then why is communication such a challenge? There are many complexities to communication. There's one's upbringing, their current environment, internal issues such as physical and mental health, external issues such as other people or outside noises. There's cultural differences and nuances, the mode of communication, whether it's verbal, written, text, email, emotions, and so much more. All of these can hinder our ability to communicate and have what we are trying to communicate received. How we communicate is the first point of understanding ourselves. I don't have time to go into the various communication styles and the behaviors associated with them. So I'll simply sum it up by saying that many of us don't truly know our communication styles because we actually communicate in three different ways that comprise our overall style. I'll go into those just briefly. The first one is The Mask This is our public self, also known as the"you" that others see. We communicate in a way that we feel meets the demands of our environment or the way we perceive is the way others expect us to behave and communicate. For example, we may be in a male-dominated career environment. Depending on the influences in the environment, we may feel that we have to minimize our voice because they make us feel it won't be listened to, or we may feel we have to speak louder or even yelling because we may feel we won't be heard. The second way we communicate is called The Core When we are under stress, our true communication style comes through. This is the person we genuinely are at our core, our instinctive reaction to situations and information. For instance, I'm not usually a very detail oriented person. Thank you, ADHD. Yet, in a crisis mode, my usual jovial and welcoming style of communication gets lowered some as I go into my analytical mode. In that mode, I'm going to be pleasant while making sure I'm noting details such as names. My spatial awareness may be heightened, and I'm asking more questions and taking more time to process answers. That would be who I am pretty much at my core. The third way we communicate is called The Mirror How you perceive yourself could be totally different than these other ways you're communicating. This is your self perception as it relates to your communication style. You may not always be aware of your behavior when communicating with others, but the mirror reflects your typical approach. Let's pretend that I've given you an assessment for your communication and behavior styles. When I'm reviewing it and analyzing it, I can see your core style as being more self-focused while your mirror style shows that you perceive yourself to be more team-oriented. That tells me, as your analyst, that you may not be aware that you center yourself in most conversations while thinking you're including everyone else. All three of these come together to determine what our overall communication style is and the behaviors that go with it. What does this all mean? It means that the way we communicate and the behaviors associated with our overall communication style impacts how we use our voice, how we show up, meaning our presence, and how we own space. Now the question is, how do you get to know your communication style? Well, you have two options. The first is to make the choice to work with a trained and certified behavioral analyst like me. Yes, it's a shameless plug, but hear me out. We would do an assessment. I would analyze the results and discuss how your communication style and its behaviors impact your relationship with others. I would then provide further specific coaching on several topics from how you can effectively communicate with others to how you can be a more effective leader to leveraging your communication styles in various environments. Your other option is a bit more challenging, but definitely doable. And it's one that will require practicing self awareness. Pay attention to how you communicate with other people. Are you always telling others what to do? Are you asking them like you're asking permission? Are you pointed and very direct? Are you inclusive, perhaps to avoid confrontation? Word choices, vocal tone, and inflections along with body language and gestures are a few other ways to start observing your communication style. It's challenging to say the least. By taking on the challenge, though, you'll discover more about yourself than you ever realized. Next up, understanding how we receive information gives us insight on how we process information. Are you listening to respond or are you listening to understand? Are you an active listener or are you one who does passive or selective listening? How do you react when you hear information that you don't agree with or that may be hard to understand? If you disagree, do you shut down and stop listening? Or do you prepare an argument in response? If it's hard to understand, do you quiet down and withdraw from the conversation and listening? Or do you ask a bunch of questions? Our ability to receive information impacts our behavior, which is our ability to communicate verbally, with our body, and with our presence. Now, let me ask you this. Do you know your value? I'm talking your value as a person, your value as an employee or entrepreneur, your value as a significant other, the value you bring to your family, the value you bring to any table. When we are talking about people or even self esteem value and worth are often used interchangeably. And they can be at times, but they're really not the same from a psychological perspective in some cases. In this sense, and for our purposes, we're going to define value as our contributions, experience, strengths, and abilities. Worth would be best defined as a specific amount received in exchange for our value. Interestingly, both can fluctuate in the eyes of the one perceiving it. When I speak of value, I'm talking about your perception of yourself that's not based upon anyone else's opinions, influences, or assessments of you. Your value is something only you can determine for yourself. Your worth, meaning the amount placed on what you're bringing to the table, is a literal and figurative number that often fluctuates because it's about perception. Professionally, others' perception of your worth can change because of economic trends, changes in technological advancements, changes in societal preference. That means things like your job or business, your salary and bonuses can all be impacted; your skills could be viewed as outdated or no longer valuable. Your degrees get cheaper by the dozen. You get what I'm saying? When it comes to relationships, others may feel you are not worthy of being loved, of being their significant other or of being a part of their social class. In both cases, your worth can fluctuate in someone else's eyes simply because they never saw, understood, or appreciated your real or perceived value to begin with. And ultimately, because we often must articulate our value and negotiate our worth with others, we may be forced to minimize our accomplishments, our knowledge, our skills and abilities our love even and then we lower our worth before someone else even gets the chance. When we lower our value, we are costing us our worth. The higher we place our value, then the more we will see what we are really worth. How we show up references, our presence and the space we occupy. We can literally occupy space and make our presence known with our bodies physically occupying space, like standing in a room or sitting in a chair at a table, but also with our body size, how we carry ourselves, our energy, our verbal communication, and our body language. Many years ago, I had a friend of mine say to me once, Why do you always walk into every room like you own it?" I had to laugh because it wasn't until later that I fully understood, appreciated, and owned the fact that I have a presence that can command the attention of a room or a small screen. As to what degree I choose to use and exercise my presence is certainly on me. Harnessing that power is a learned skill that we'll talk about in our next episode. To get a better understanding of how you show up in spaces, ask others if the energy shifts when you come into a room. Does it shift according to the energy that you're bringing? For example, if you're upset, does everyone else in the room get upset? If you're happy, does everyone else's mood change and they get happier? Think about your physical size. Are you tall, more petite? Are you voluptuous? Are you slim? How do people react when they see your physical size? How do you carry yourself? Do you walk as if your weight is cumbersome or a nuisance? Do you have good posture and hold your head high with confidence? When you gesture, are they barely noticeable? Or are they non-stop and all over the place? When you speak, do you speak confidently and loud enough for everyone to hear, or do you make your voice sound small and minimize its power? What is your body language conveying to others? Are you making yourself small by slouching down and trying to go unnoticed, shrinking back? Are you leaning forward indicating that you're interested in the speaker or topic? Finally, when you are in these spaces, you should give consideration as to who you are holding space for. Are you holding space just for yourself? Or are you holding space for yourself and for others? And how are you doing it? And if you're not doing it, why not? Our presence, showing up, and taking up space combines the many facets we talked about in this episode. Granted, there are other factors to take into consideration such as mental and physical health, neurodivergence, cultural nuances, and countless others. Nonetheless, when we think back to all the things we were told as a child, in our careers, and various relationships, we owe it to ourselves to do this self evaluation. It doesn't matter what table you're being invited to, what table we are choosing to invite ourselves to, or what table we decide to build and where. The space isn't even a factor. What matters is that we as women have a right to take up space and to use space. In our next episode we'll discuss how to do it effectively and with confidence. Thank you for taking a few minutes out of your day to chat with me. If you want to continue the conversation, follow me on social media. I'm@ShaiBoston on Instagram, Threads, and Facebook. I hope you have a good rest of the day and a restful night. I'll see you next time for more Coffee, Cocktails, and Clarity.