Embrace Your Power: Taking Up Space, Using Your Voice, and Gaining Visibility (Part 3)

SHOW DESCRIPTION

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How can you confidently have your voice heard, take up space, and command respect in every aspect of your life? This episode recaps the key takeaways from our three-part series owing our space, our voice, and our presence. We discuss the importance of using our voice, body language, and presence to command space, both literally and figuratively. I share personal experiences, including how I claimed my seat at the table in a leadership meeting. We also explore ways to hold space for others and the importance of a support system. Join me, Shai Boston, as we empower ourselves to own our voice, space, and presence. Don't forget to grab your favorite beverage and get comfy!

TL;DR

Want to be heard? This episode recaps:

·         How to confidently take up space

·         Practical tips commanding attention

·         Creating a supportive environment. 

Time Stamps

00:00 Introduction and Recap of Previous Episodes

01:41 The Importance of Taking Up Space

02:56 Personal Story: Claiming My Space

06:42 Strategies for Owning Your Space

08:27 Holding Space for Others

09:48 Building Confidence and Support Systems

13:24 Final Thoughts and Affirmations

19:50 Closing Remarks

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RESOURCES

Note: I do not have any affiliations with, sponsorships or endorsements from any of the resources mentioned. They are listed for your reference.

Mental Health Resources

Suicide and Crisis Lifeline 

Ph: 988

Psychology Today 

National Institute of Mental Health 

Sexual Violence Resources

RAIIN

Ph: 800.656.HOPE (4673)

Substance Abuse Resources

U.S. Department of Health and Human Services

Alcoholics Anonymous

Al-Anon Family Groups

Credits

That T-Shirt Girl

Spike Lee 20th Anniversary Event by Getty Images

Podcast Editor: Payton Cross Productions 

Transcript

0:00

On our last episode of Coffee, Cocktails, and Clarity. We have made it to the last part in the series. I didn't expect it to be a 3 parter, and that was certainly not how this was planned. But here we are, there was a lot to say and a lot to talk about. In Part 1, we discussed owning our space, our presence, and our space in a literal and figurative sense. In Part 2, we started breaking down how to do those a little bit more. As I'm scrolling back through some of the things that we've talked about, we talked about how to use your voice. Actually, things related to volume and pitch, things like that. We then talked about the tone. So that's the emotions that are conveyed by your voice. If it's being happy, if it's sad, if it's intense. And we talked about our words and having the proper word choices and using words that can be received by your audience based on how they communicate. We also talked about our body language and how important our body language is when we are trying to convey confidence. And we also talked about our presence and I talked about how you can use your presence in order to hold and command space without having to demand it. We talked about the"Oprah Effect," which I feel is very real. I feel all of us can have the"Oprah Effect." So the last aspect of all of this actually has to do with space. When we're talking about using our space, we need to keep in mind that we take up space physically with our voice and our presence. Physically relates to the actual space we take, like sitting in a chair or standing in a room. Our voice can literally fill the air with our thoughts and that takes up space. I'm so happy you're here. My name is Shai Boston, and it's a privilege to welcome you to Coffee, Cocktails, and Clarity: Real Women, Real Talk. It's a safe space created for women like us who want to have authentic conversation around everything that impacts our life, careers, and relationships. Go ahead, grab your favorite beverage and get comfy. Now, let's have a chat. As we talked about when it comes to presence, that's the essence of who we are our vibe, our energy, our aura that takes up space. When I talk about owning and taking up space, I mean it in all those various ways. The first time I was asked to join the sales and marketing leadership meeting, I was way too excited. I was finally sitting on the 6th floor where the Senior Vice Presidents and the sales and marketing teams were all located. The large conference room was right off the elevator and that's where I saw the"Who's Who", of course in my mind, of the sales and marketing teams gathering for meetings. My Associate Vice President and my Director both said that they wanted me to attend this weekly meeting. There would also be key personnel from revenue management in the meeting. I, a supervisor, was being included in a weekly meeting for senior leaders down to managers. So that was a big deal. I come into the meeting and instantly feel the feeling that I've had too often in the past. The feeling of I'm one of... in this case, I was one of maybe two or three... I'm used to that. So it is what it is. Then I had to observe the political chair game. In effect, it seemed that you did not sit at the long oval shaped table if you did not have a title or specific contributions to make to the meeting. I observed and played the game, for a little while, just so I could get the lay of the land. One day, I decided I was going to get there early and grab a seat at the table. Not one closest to the Senior Vice President, but I was going to sit at the table. I didn't have anything to contribute to the conversation, well, at least nothing that I can recall off the top of my head. But it didn't matter to me. I was going to sit at the table. Some people were surprised when they came into the room and saw where I was sitting. Partially because I was early and others reacted because I had taken a seat at the table. Either way, I staked out a claim at the table. By doing so, and taking up that literal and figurative space, they knew I was in the room. That I was going to stay at the table. From that point on, I never sat at the side again, unless I absolutely had to, and that was extremely rare. You see, I realized that just because I didn't have a"title" didn't mean I didn't have a right to sit at the table. It made sense to initially follow the lead of others and get the lay of the land, which is something I recommend when entering new spaces where you may not have much acknowledgement or leverage as of yet. Once everyone was used to my presence in that space, I then wanted my presence to be seen and felt even more. Therefore, I took a seat at the table. I didn't allow others perceptions of me to continue to diminish, minimize, or otherwise disengage my presence from being connected to that specific space. I was eventually promoted to a manager and I became the manager of a small department and continued to stay at the table even if there wasn't much for me to say or contribute. When I did have something to say or other items to contribute, they knew where to find me. Sitting at the table. When entering any space, your presence leads the way. You're already taking up space. When you speak by asking or answering a question, sharing a thought, leading a meeting, or giving a presentation, you're owning and taking up space. In our relationships, when you speak up for yourself, set boundaries, choose where you will sit at a family gathering, remove yourself from situations, you are taking up and owning space. No matter the situation, do not minimize or diminish your presence. Do not disengage your presence unless you choose to. This is where your body language, voice, word choices, and tones plays a crucial role in establishing that you belong and will remain in a space. Presenting yourself with confidence, even if you don't fully feel it shifts the feeling of your presence and the feeling others will have about your presence. It starts sending a message to them that you're a force to be reckoned with even if you are sitting quietly. As a sidebar, one lesson I learned was just to take a seat at the table. If you're invited to the table and you feel you don't belong or have anything to contribute, sit down anyway. The one who invited you, usually, is holding space for you literally and figuratively. Speaking of holding space, whenever and wherever we can do so, we should hold space for ourselves and for others. What does holding space for others look like? Inviting them to have a seat at the table with you, literally. Including them in the conversation by asking for their thoughts, their insights, or what questions they may have. Ensuring their literal voice is heard if others try to talk over them, drown them out, or if they try to keep their voice from being heard. For example, everyone around the table that I sat at was able to give their opinion on a new policy or ad campaign. A female member of our team didn't get a chance to express herself. Perhaps the person leading the meeting just overlooked her. Maybe it was deliberate or not. Holding space is when you say,"I'm sorry, I wanted to hear what Belinda had to say," or"Leanne, what were your thoughts on the proposed product launch date change?" Holding space is creating a safe environment for someone else to speak their thoughts, be themselves, and to be part of the whole. How can you own and hold space with confidence? Be confident. Find something about your knowledge, skill set, or experience that you are proud of and can be confident in. Literally start working your way towards taking a seat at the table. If you are not able to take the step towards sitting at the table, literally or figuratively, take the small steps that will get you there. Sit on the outside and observe. Tag team with a friend or a colleague to an event. Go with a coworker to a meeting so you can feel more comfortable. Listen attentively, then ask a relevant question or a point of clarification. If you have something to share, make sure it is meaningful and share it. To start holding space for someone else, invite them to work with you on projects, to attend meetings together, especially ones that you're leading, and ask them for their advice or thoughts on a project you're working on. As leaders, it is up to us to create safe spaces for our team to show up authentically. Let me say that again. As leaders, it is up to us to create safe spaces for our team to show up authentically. In our relationships and personal life, you can own and take up space by deciding where you physically want to be. What you will or will not share with others, setting boundaries and enforcing them. Like I hinted at before, your physical size also helps you hold space. I think of Dr. Maya Angelou, who was very tall and statuesque. Her physical presence, her physical size, held space in a very positive way. Your space also means your physical space. If you don't like being touched or want to be touched in a certain way, own your power by setting and expressing your boundaries. A simple,"I would prefer to shake hands" or"Fist bump!" should suffice. Hold space for others by recognizing if they are uncomfortable with someone invading their personal space. I especially do this with little kids. If someone insists that a child greet me with a hug and I see the child is resistant for whatever reasons, I say to the child,"It's okay. You don't have to hug Auntie Shai. My feelings won't be hurt." I'll even ask the child, May I have a hug?" If they say"yes," I let them approach me in a way that is comfortable for them. It might be a side hug or it might be a full on hug or sometimes they just do the little kiddie pat on the back or pat on the leg. If they say or want to say"No," I let them know it's okay and I respect their decision. The bottom line is you determine what to do with your space and your bodies. Own your space by staking a physical and figurative claim. Create it to be what you want it to be. Set and use your boundaries. As we get ready to round out this episode, let's recap what we've talked about so far: We want to use our voice. That entails speaking up for ourselves and others. Using our tones will help us to sound confident, convey the right emotions, and emphasize our words. Word choices are important to convey our knowledge and expertise, our feelings, and our confidence. They help our message to be heard and received. Body language can be used to exude confidence, to show our engagement in a conversation or meeting, and to command attention. In harmony with that, our body language plays a role in how our presence is received. We want to use our presence to help us be seen physically and to be felt. Our presence is the vibe we give off that impacts the spaces we're in. Finally, speaking of spaces, we take up physical space with our presence, size, and boundaries. We use our voices to own space, to fill the space. We hold space for others by creating a safe environment for them to flourish. The reality is though that we can't do all of this on our own. We'll need a support system. Having a support system is extremely important. A support system will help be your sounding board so you can gather your thoughts and work through the things you want to say. They can help you to work on all aspects of owning your voice, space, and presence that we've talked about over the last two episodes. Without support in place, it's easy to fall back into old patterns or to make more mistakes than you need to in order to get to where you want to go. We need allies, and we need to be allies. My best allies were other women in leadership that were willing to guide me, hold space for me, and showed me how I can still show up as my authentic self while using the things we talked about more effectively. For us women of color, we need other women of color who understand the very specific challenges we face. They can provide safe spaces for us to share our thoughts and feelings others may not readily or possibly understand. Some of my other best allies were men who wanted to center women's voices every opportunity they could get. Early in my career, although I was their administrative assistant, I had two male managers I supported that saw my potential and wanted to help me achieve it. In fact, one of them said,"I know you're not an engineer, and may not have a desire to be one, but it's my job to prepare you to take over my role." The two of them worked with me on leveling up my skillset. When our company got bought out by another one, and my job was being eliminated, they worked to get me interviews at the new company. I landed a new job and didn't have a lapse of employment as a result. They held space for me by giving me opportunities. There are also men who will center women's voices by helping to amplify their ideas, their skills, and more. They don't always have to be the one to talk about these things. They make way for her to talk about it on her own. Everything we've talked about over the last two, three episodes is to help us own our power. In owning our power, we own our voice, our presence, and our space. You can do all those things by being confident in your knowledge and skills, recognizing your value and worth, and practicing all the things that can help you in owning that power: using your voice, tone, words, body language, presence, and space. For my Black sistafriends, I am keenly aware that we need to balance all of these elements with so much more. While I say stand on business, do so in a way that will still help you get what you want and to where you want to be without compromising who you are. For my Neurospicy sistafriends, we may feel overwhelmed because we already have so much to work through and to work with. Apply the tips that you can at your own pace and to whatever capacity you can manage. You'll grow in confidence and ability all in due time. For my Spoonies, us invisible illness warriors, we only have so much bandwidth and energy, only so much. Pick one or two things to work on at a given time and keep going from there. Go according to what your physical and mental resources will allow so that you're balanced in the energy that you're expending. To all of you, all of my sistafriends I want to leave you with this final affirmation. So repeat after me. I can be successful being authentically me. I add value to any table I sit at. I am enough. One more time. I can be successful being authentically me. I add value to any table I sit at. I am enough. I'm wearing a t-shirt that says, I add value to ANY table I sit at." I'll put the link in the show notes so you can purchase it from the same company I did. And no, I'm not affiliated and I don't get anything for the recommendation. I just thought you would want a dope shirt like this because you're a dope woman doing dope things, period. As we close out the episode, all I want to say is this, may each of you be successful in owning your voice, space, and presence. May each of you bring out your inner Oprah. Thank you for taking a few minutes out of your day to chat with me. If you want to continue the conversation, follow me on social media. I'm@Shai Boston on Instagram, Threads, and Facebook. I hope you have a good rest of the day and a restful night. I'll see you next time for more Coffee, Cocktails, and Clarity.