Defining Yourself for Yourself: The Power of Words and Authenticity

SHOW DESCRIPTION

Tired of feeling boxed in by labels? In this episode, I'm diving deep into the power of words and how they shape our reality.

I'll share some personal stories, including a job interview that completely changed my perspective, and how I finally learned to embrace my authentic self. We'll explore the impact of words on our lives and careers.

Plus, I'll introduce you to the beautiful concept of "kintsugi" – the Japanese art of repairing broken pottery with gold.

Join me as we learn to own our narrative, choose our words wisely, own our unique stories, and shine our brightest light. Let's ditch the labels and embrace the incredible individuals we are!

TL;DR

This episode explores the power of words to shape our identity. Through personal anecdotes, including a transformative job interview, I encourage listeners to choose words that reflect their true selves, embrace authenticity, and shine their unique light.

Time Stamps

00:00 Introduction and Opening Quote

00:48 Personal Reflection and Job Interview Story

01:50 Defining Yourself: Words and Identity

04:25 The Power of Core Words

06:28 Embracing Authenticity

08:34 Kintsugi: My Word for the Year

10:33 Conclusion

Fan Page

IG

Threads

Facebook

RESOURCES

Note: I do not have any affiliations with, sponsorships or endorsements from any of the resources mentioned. They are listed for your reference.

Mental Health Resources

Suicide and Crisis Lifeline 

Ph: 988

Psychology Today 

National Institute of Mental Health 

Sexual Violence Resources

RAIIN

Ph: 800.656.HOPE (4673)

Substance Abuse Resources

U.S. Department of Health and Human Services

Alcoholics Anonymous

Al-Anon Family Groups

Credits

Youtube 

IG Stitch

Podcast Editor: Payton Cross Productions 

Transcript

0:00

Coming up next on Coffee, Cocktails, and Clarity."If I didn't define myself for myself, I would be crunched into other people's fantasies for me and eaten alive." I'm taking the pieces of me, and I'm putting them all together and making myself whole again. I will be a unique piece of pottery that stands out from the rest because of the beauty in its broken pieces coming together as a whole joined by gold. You are a beautiful light shining brightly from a lamp. Others may try to dim it by putting on a shade, moving it around in various spaces, or trying to put you out altogether. There's no need to dim your light. Years ago, I was in a job interview. The hiring manager asked me to describe myself in three words. At the time, I said something like, Team player, hardworking, Diva." She looked at me and said, Diva? Would you care to elaborate?" I said,"Sure. My team calls me a diva, but not in a negative sense. In the sense that I am at the top of my game and I get stuff done. They know that whatever I do will be thorough and top-notch." While that question, describe yourself in so many words, is a common interview question, it really did get me to thinking. If I weren't doing a job interview, if I wasn't trying to impress anyone, if I wanted to be truly honest with myself, what word would I use to describe me? I didn't have to find the words. They had already chosen me. Hey girl, have you been looking for a safe space for women to have authentic conversations around everything that impacts our life, careers, and relationships? I'm Shai Boston, and on this show, I talk about all things connected to our personal and professional development so we can live our best and authentic lives. Grab a drink. Sit back and let's have a chat. It's time for some Coffee, Cocktails, and Clarity. For this episode, I'm sipping on some water. I'm on some new medication that kind of dries me out. So, if my voice is a little creaky, I do apologize. But that's the reason why I am just drinking some regular old plain Alkaline filtered water. And I will take a sip now. I still have to stick with tradition even if I'm drinking water. Now let's get into it. Needless to say, I did not get that job. I later found out it was because she took issue with me being called a"Diva." Funny thing is, she was known to be one herself, and I guess she just didn't take too kindly to the idea that someone else might be on her team that was a high-value asset who just might outshine her. I get it. Can't have two divas on one team. The word does invoke strong feelings, one way or the other. Yet it made me think of light. Light can shine very brightly, but there's different words to describe light. You have incandescent, fluorescent, artificial, natural. There are so many words that can describe us as individuals, just like with light. Not long ago, I came across some conversations on threads and LinkedIn about words and the words one may choose to use when identifying themselves. While the conversation was primarily about terms used within different communities, there were some deep conversations about the words we use to identify ourselves. That brought to mind the famous Audre Lorde quote, which says, If I didn't define myself for myself, I would be crunched into other people's fantasies for me and eaten alive." Ms. Lorde understood that we ultimately provide the definition of who we are, which directly reflects how we show up in the world. Therefore, years ago, I started thinking about the words I want to define me. And I thought about it again recently. Have you done that before? Like really thought about the words that might define you? I did take the time to ask others, like my husband and close friends, what word or words would they use to describe me? I was told, empathetic, compassionate, kind, and passionate. And I received all of those beautiful words. So now, I primarily describe myself as empathetic and compassionate and I think those encompass kindness for me and passionate, especially passionate. If I'm passionate about something, all the rest of it comes through. In thinking back, I remember a conversation that my mom had with my husband before we got engaged. He asked her what was one thing that he needed to know about me before we went any further. And she said to him, Shai can be your best friend or worst enemy. There's no in between." She was right. Now, I have matured a lot in the last 25 years or so. But one thing that hasn't changed, if I'm on your side, I am on your side completely. If I'm not, then that's the one thing that has changed. Because if I'm not, then I'm not going to try to get back at you. In fact, I just don't bother with you. Now don't get it twisted. My petty game is still very strong. I just choose and prefer to kiss, bless, and release. You no longer exist to me and I have no feelings for you one way or another. I reserve my passion for my family, my friends, my clients, and the things that interest me most. After compassionate, empathetic, and passionate, I decided to add another word to my list: Authentic. It took me years to really learn how to be comfortable showing up as my authentic self in any situation, especially professionally. Between the code-switching, which I still have to do, and the assimilation to other environments, I now do that completely differently. It's easy to find it hard to be one's authentic self in every situation. Along this journey, I learned that when I stayed true to who I was, my core words, I always went farther. Or is it further? Hmm. Made me think of a conversation in the movie Finding Forrester where the young man corrected his teacher between father and further. Anyway, Maybe I didn't get to some of those goals that I wanted to as fast as others did, who may not have possessed the qualities that I had or had a different set of words or standards that they lived by, but I still got there eventually. I encourage you to think about your core words and what they mean to you. How do you define yourself for yourself? And how does that help you to show up in the world? Now, ultimately, knowing that words have power, whatever words you and I use to identify ourselves, we do have to be prepared to carry the weight that comes with those choices. Each year I decide on either a new word I'm going to add to my core words, which is very rare, or what my focus word for the year is going to be. I find like,my other core words, it will help to inform or continue to inform my decisions, my actions, and my life overall. For me, my word this year is Kintsugi. Kintsugi 金継ぎ). It's a Japanese word that means, in effect, join with gold. I'm taking the pieces of me, shout out to my girl Ledisi, and I'm putting them all together and making myself whole again. I'm doing it with one of the best metals for connection, gold. Gold does not corrode, meaning that I can withstand life's trials and still shine. It's malleable, so it's soft enough to keep being molded, but it's strong enough, layer upon layer, to keep enduring. Gold is known as the best conductor of electricity. I liken that to it being able to match any other vibe while maintaining its own. I will continue to show up in spaces, making my presence known, sharing my own distinct vibe while vibing with the others around me. Gold is considered an expensive building material. I know the value of my intellectual and personal capital, and I use them to help build others up to achieve their goals. I know my worth and my value. While I may struggle from time-to-time to accept my full worth and value, as we all do, I never doubt what I bring to any space. As a piece of kintsugi, I will be a unique piece of pottery that stands out from the rest because of the beauty in its broken pieces coming together as a whole joined by gold. It's valuable, worthy of being observed, and treasured. It will stand out and shine brightly against the backdrop of the ordinary. Yeah. That's how I see myself for 2025. My word is Kintsugi. If you want to learn more about the principles behind Kintsugi and how they can help you in your personal and professional life, then join me for the next episode, where I will go into more detail about that with a very special guest. You won't want to miss it. Back to you and I, what will your word for this year be, and how will it help you to achieve your goals? You remember that hiring manager from earlier? Yeah, well, the funny thing is later on, I was asked to assist her team with some training that she needed done. Yep, that very diva ended up needing this diva after all. So I let my light shine brightly and she could not deny it any longer. Listen, you are a beautiful light shining brightly from a lamp. Others may try to dim it by putting on a shade, moving it around in various spaces, or trying to put you out altogether. There's no need to dim your light. You'll find the right people and spaces that appreciate your brightness and will let you shine. I did! And I keep shining as an authentic and original piece of kintsugi made with passion. When you decide on the word that will light your way this year and help you to shine even brighter, let me know, put it in the comments or hit me up on my socials. I want to add my light to yours by passionately rooting you on. Thank you for taking a few minutes out of your day to chat with me. If you want to continue the conversation, follow me on social media. I'm@Shai Boston on Instagram, Threads, and Facebook. I hope you have a good rest of the day and a restful night. I'll see you next time for more Coffee, Cocktails, and Clarity.