Coffee, Cocktails, and Clarity: Real Women, Real Talk for Personal and Professional Development
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One seemingly harmless word can actually be a major source of self-judgment, blame, and even shame. In this episode, we're looking at that word, how it impacts our mindset and self-perception – then reframing it. We’ll highlight strategies to reframe our thinking along with simple ways to cultivate self-love. Join me for a relaxed conversation about breaking free from one of the shackles that prevent us from stepping into our best selves.
TL;DR
This episode explores how one world creates self-criticism. We'll discuss strategies for reframing those thoughts and cultivating self-love to break free from this limiting mindset.
Time Stamps
00:00 Introduction to Coffee, Cocktails, and Clarity
Coming up next on Coffee, Cocktails, and Clarity. we are judging ourselves, sharing, and assigning shame and blame to ourselves. We don't have to keep living in the past. We can choose to look to the future. Our mindset plays a big role in how we speak to ourselves, our word choices, and how we can reframe thinking that just doesn't benefit us. It's time for us to walk away from something we"should" have done a long time ago. Free yourself so you can finally live and be the best you that you know you can be. Often times when I talk to you, sistafriends, we start talking about past experiences. Things that we want to do in the future, how we would have handled things differently if we knew back then what we know now. One word comes up more often than not in those discussions. And it wasn't until recently that I learned that, that word invokes judgment, blame, and shame And that word is... I'm so happy you're here. My name is Shai Boston, and it's a privilege to welcome you to Coffee, Cocktails, and Clarity: Real Women, Real Talk. It's a safe space created for women like us who want to have authentic conversation around everything that impacts our life, careers, and relationships. Go ahead, grab your favorite beverage and get comfy. Now, let's have a chat. Today I'm drinking some water. I thought about getting something else to drink and I don't know, I'm tired. It's early in the morning and I just decided,"You know what, water is going to be the most refreshing thing." So I'm going to take my sip of water and now let's get into it. A while back I was speaking with my therapist. At one point she finally stopped me and said, Let's stop using that word." I was confused because I wasn't even sure what she was referring to. And she told me to stop using the word"should". As I thought about it, I started having a better understanding about what she was actually saying to me. And it was this, when we use the word"should" we are judging ourselves, sharing, and assigning shame and blame to ourselves. Think about that. We don't always think of saying"should" as judging, shaming, and blaming. So I'm going to give you a couple of examples to see if you pick up what I'm laying down. Have you ever said, I should have just left him a long time ago." Judgment, shame, and blame. How about, I should leave this job, but I need the money." Judgment, shame, and blame. What about, I should finally lose this weight." Yep. Judgment, shame, and blame. You see, it's not something that we deliberately and intentionally say to ourselves or would do to ourselves. Even if, for whatever reasons, we do pass and project harsh judgment, shame, and blame onto ourselves. It's still something that we don't want to do. We just may have become conditioned, not only to do it, but even to think that way. What we're briefly going to talk about in this episode is reframing judgment, shame, and blame. The first way we're going to do that is removing the word"should" from our vocabulary. We're no longer going to say what we"should" do,"should" have done,"should" have changed. Nope. Instead, let's say things like, What did I learn?" How did this help me become the person I am today?" What will I do differently going forward?""What can I do to change the situation now?""What plans can I make in the future?" We know we are going to change how we speak to ourselves. Now we're including changing how we treat ourselves. Here's some examples to think about. Instead of judging, shaming, and blaming ourselves about our weight, eating habits, or our perceived physical flaws. Focus on our overall health and well-being. I want you to learn to appreciate your body for what it can do. Find something that you like about your body and yourself. For me, I realized years ago, I really like my smile. I think it's my best asset and I will always offer someone a genuine smile. Maybe you like your hands, your eyes, your shoulders, your backside. When we focus on the positives about ourselves, we change our opinions, our feelings, and our subconscious thoughts about ourselves. Here's another thing. Instead of judging, shaming, and blaming ourselves for past decisions, like staying with an ex too long, not leaving a job sooner, not handling certain relationships better, or even for the traumas that we've been through, we should reframe those, look at them differently. You now know better, what you may want in a future partner. You now recognize the signs of a workplace that isn't ideal for you. You can choose to try to work to mend those previous relationships or focus on how you'll better treat those who are in your life now and those that will come into your life in the future. Yes, we may have had life altering traumas happen to us and been through them and survived and it may have scarred us mentally and emotionally. But you know what, we don't have to keep living in the past. We can choose to look to the future. We can find ways to deal with our traumas, like therapy, and create a better life for ourselves despite the traumas. Our mindset plays a big role in how we speak to ourselves, our word choices, and how we can reframe thinking that just doesn't benefit us. We can use phrases like, I am worthy of love" instead of telling yourself, you're not. Tell yourself, you are beautiful while standing buck naked. Okay. I know the proper term is butt naked, but you know how we are. So while you're standing buck naked in the mirror, even when you feel you are not so beautiful, even if you see all of your so-called flaws, admire the shape of you, as Ed Sheeran says. Say to yourself,"I'm going to get a different and better job than what I have now." And so on, you get the idea. The more you say it, the more you'll believe it. And the more likely you'll take action and do it, become it. We may have grown up in an environment that openly practiced and accepted judgment, shame, and blame. I know many of my sistafriends did. It may be a result of learned behavior as a result of life experiences. That doesn't mean we have to keep believing it, doing it, saying it, and living in it. It's time for us to walk away from something we"should" have done a long time ago. It's time for us to stop being our own judge and jury against ourselves. It's time for us to stop shaming and blaming ourselves for truths real or imagined. My dear, dear sistafriends. It's time to let go of all the shame, blame, and judgment we hold against ourselves. When you let go, you open up your heart, hands, and mind to grab onto the things that are better for you in every way. Grab onto hope for a better future for you. Grab onto positivity and energy that lifts you up. Grab onto self love and never let it go. Grab onto you and hold yourself near and dear to your heart. Tell yourself that you are no longer going to judge, blame, and shame yourself. Tell yourself that you are going to accept you for who you are, meet you where you are, love you as you are, and help you to continue becoming a better version of yourself because love helps us to grow. Forgive yourself. Grant yourself a pardon from the judgment. Unleash yourself from the shackles of shame and blame. Frankly, do what you should have done a long time ago... free yourself so you can finally live and be the best you that you know you can be. So... what did you think about today's episode and topic? I'd love to hear your thoughts. Or, you can tell me how you're going to use today's information in your day to day life. You can do that by leaving me a message on my fan page at Fanlist.com/CoffeeCocktailsClarity. In the meantime, may you and yours be safe and well, until we meet again for more Coffee, Cocktails, and Clarity.
